Coping with Affair Discovery
For the Betrayed
by Katie Coston
If you're a betrayed spouse who has just discovered your partner’s affair, it's likely that you're experiencing emotional turmoil. Finding out that a partner has been unfaithful often brings with it grief – the spouse whom you believed to be faithful no longer exists and your marriage will never be the same as it was before discovery.
Understand that grief is a natural reaction to affair discovery. While grief usually marks the end of something - the end of a life, the end of a way of life, etc. – affair discovery usually signals the end of a way of thinking. You are no longer able to think that your marriage is immune to an affair – and if you’ve got substantial affair evidence – you can no longer think or deny that an infidelity actually happened.
Grief stemming from betrayal and affair discovery does not mean that your marriage is over. But whether you choose to end the marriage or work through this marriage crisis to build a better relationship – you will still have to work through the "affair discovery" grieving process.
If you’ve discovered an extramarital affair, it would be extremely helpful for you to read literature relating to the grieving process - to know how specific grief stages apply to your situation. You can do an online search or go to your local library and read articles or books about the grieving process. But while we are here, I will briefly point out three common stages of grief - stages that usually do accompany affair discovery: denial, blame, and anger.
Denial
Many betrayed spouses suffer through initial shock. They have phases in which they tell themselves repeatedly, "This can’t be happening!" They wish it were all a bad dream - that they’ll wake up to discover the nightmare has ended. Some betrayed spouses even continue to look for evidence of the affair long after the affair is established – I believe these people are really trying to convince themselves that there’s been some kind of mistake – that it didn’t really happen.
Blame
In this stage many betrayed spouses wrongly point the finger at themselves or at the other man or other woman in the triangle. I think this is an attempt to salvage "good will" for the betrayer. While it may be true that you were not the perfect spouse prior to your partner’s unfaithfulness – and while it may be true that the third party was relentless in their pursuit of your spouse – it is also true that your spouse is ultimately responsible for his or her own behavior.
Anger
Anger by the betrayed is directed at many sources: at the betrayer for his or her disloyalty and dishonesty - at the third party for their involvement - at themselves for not noticing the signs or being able to prevent such circumstance from happening – at the people who knew about the affair but neglected to tell – and even at God for allowing such painful events to occur.
The ultimate goal of healing and working through grief is to come to a point of acceptance. You need to accept that the affair happened. You need to accept that it wasn’t your fault – that guilt belongs to the offender. And you also need to accept that it is okay to be angry – you should be angry. But it is also okay to forgive and move forward – and in time, you will. But as you work through these initial grieving stages, understand that they are normal – this is an important realization when your emotions are surging out of control.
After you've accepted that your emotional response to affair discovery is normal – you are still left in a crisis situation. It is likely that you’re having trouble eating, sleeping, and maintaining a normal daily balance. It’s probable that your mind is in constant motion – searching for clues you missed, replaying your discovery day scene by scene, etc. The best case scenario is that your spouse has come clean – admitted their affair – accepted accountability for the inappropriateness of their behavior - ceased all contact with the other person – and desires to work towards healing of your marriage. If this is the case – your grieving time after affair discovery and the resulting emotional crisis for you may be significantly shortened.
Many offenders, however, do not behave in a repentant manner: they may continue to deny their affair despite clear and convincing evidence to the contrary; they may deny accountability for their behavior and blame the innocent spouse; they may be in denial over the inappropriateness of their behavior; they may be angry about discovery circumstance or angry to be held accountable for their behavior, etc. Some offenders also become angry because they're now placed in a position of real choice: they are forced to decide whether to give up the extramarital relationship or to give up the marriage – they're no longer able to have their cake and eat it, too. If you're dealing with a spouse who reacts this way to affair discovery – and you want to salvage your marriage – you're facing an additional obstacle to healing. There is no repentance and this is just as hurtful as initial discovery - because you’re dealing with continued rejection on a daily basis.
Does lack of repentance mean you should give up? Not necessarily. Your spouse may come around to repentance once they accept the full scope of what they’ve done. There is no way to tell in the beginning if they will get to the point of repentance – especially if an underlying depression helped your spouse rationalize involvement in an extramarital affair. If this is the case, they are likely to be in a chemical "fog" that will diminish with time.
It is a scientific fact that new relationships – especially secret ones – cause our bodies to release a rush of endorphins and neurotransmitters which cause euphoria and act as self-medication to a depressed person. That’s why you hear the phrase, "But I just feel so good when I’m with him or her!" This is the "fog" stage – and it does diminish somewhat after an affair is discovered and the offending party is forced to look at reality rather than the fantasy of secret love.
If you spouse is in a fog state – it is best to separate your decisions from his or her behavior for a while. It is perfectly okay for you wait for six months or so before you decide whether or not you want to continue the marriage. As in any crisis – it is best that you do not make any life altering decisions until you've had time to digest your new circumstance. Do not move, sell a house, get divorced, etc. until you feel free of emotional pressure – and this might take months.
If you feel the need to protect yourself from your spouse financially – talk to a lawyer about getting temporary orders which 1) forbid disposing of marital property and 2) establish financial support orders. These temporary orders do not mean that a divorce is imminent, but they will help to give you peace of mind and one less thing to worry about while you are coping with an emotional crisis.
And now – how do you cope when you can’t eat, sleep, or think straight? Here are some tips that might help to make your life a little easier right now:
Treat yourself just like you were your own child – you wouldn’t let your kid skip breakfast, have beer for lunch, and a bag of chips for dinner, would you? Don’t let yourself do it either - take your vitamins – and eat even if you aren’t hungry. You will have more energy to deal with this crisis if your body is not exhausted from lack of nutrients.
- Force yourself to eat regularly and in a healthy manner.