aftertheaffair.net

Please note: Due to the overwhelming amount of emails received, Katie  no longer accepts emails through the site.  Please email only for  technical help or issues.

Official site for the reader acclaimed "Infidelity Crisis: How to Gain 
Forgiveness and Respect After Your Affair" by Katie Coston.
Web-partners please note site changes and new download policy.
 

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Your Marriage is not Hopeless After an Affair...

Surviving  Infidelity and Healing Your Relationship is Possible!

If you've spent any time browsing infidelity support forums on the web - chances are  you've already heard about the success that many real-life couples have attributed to "Infidelity Crisis: How to Gain Forgiveness and Respect After Your Affair".  Or maybe your MC directed you to our site because they've seen dramatic results, too.  No matter how you found our site, we're glad you did - every marriage deserves a fighting chance for renewed hope and reconciliation...that's why we're here!

Our reader-acclaimed pdf download is a unique and human examination of the emotional issues which invariably follow affair discovery and a practical road-map the offending partner can utilize to contribute to recovery of his or her marriage.  It's full-length 152 page book written by a former betrayed spouse  to help the offending marriage partner in their efforts to save and heal their marriage.  It's currently the only infidelity book available which concentrates exclusively on the role of the unfaithful partner during the early stages of affair discovery.

"Infidelity Crisis: How to Gain Forgiveness and Respect After Your Affair" effectively tackles the tough emotional issues that surface after an affair is discovered, including: grief, anger, bitterness, distrust, retaliation, embarrassment, emotional exhaustion, and unforgiveness.  And unlike many traditional self-help books, it doesn't dabble into pop psycho-babble....  Instead, it outlines a concrete and practical plan that anyone who sincerely desires to rebuild his or her marriage after an affair can understand and employ with success.  

Why has "Infidelity Crisis: How to Gain Forgiveness and Respect After Your Affair" helped so many couples struggling with infidelity?  Because it immediately addresses the volatile emotional extremes associated with affair discovery - unlike many traditional approaches that can actually prolong pain and anger for both marriage partners, further contributing to the instability of the marriage.  These theoretical approaches contribute to instability by focusing on the marriage as a whole without first dealing with the injured spouse's emotional response to affair discovery - even though research and real-life experience says that this actually isn't the best approach!

Despite clear statistics supporting that a couple is more likely to remain married if an extramarital affair is thoroughly explored through counseling:

59% of couples in counseling said that their therapist mainly focused on general marital problems - not the affair.

23% of couples in counseling said that their therapist encouraged them to quickly cover highlights of the affair, then move on.

*Overview of Report of Survey on Extramarital Affairs by Peggy Vaughan

That's why "Infidelity Crisis: How to Gain Forgiveness and Respect After Your Affair" was written - to help the offending marriage partner effectively confront the emotional responses that follow affair discovery, so that his or her marriage can begin to heal.

Key points include:

To download  "Infidelity Crisis: How to Gain Forgiveness 
and Respect After Your Affair" by Katie Coston
 in an instant pdf format click here.

What real people, just like you, have said about the ebook:

"I think it has to be the best book available for the wayward spouse.  So many books don't tell us exactly what we can do to help our spouses heal."  
- An Offending Husband

"... there is so much good stuff in there that can be used by both of us that I plan to give it to my wife to read after we're well into our healing."   
- An Offending Husband

"It's an excellent starting point for any unfaithful spouse who finds themselves at a loss for what to do to start rebuilding."  
- An Offending Wife

"I downloaded your book and read it through and it is fantastic. I can't tell you how much I appreciate your willingness to bear your heart in order to help others in the same situation."
- An Offending Husband

"I'm amazed. I can't tell you how much it's helped me look at things differently."  
- An Offending Husband

"Your book has done more for us than months of counseling did."
- An Offending Husband

"Without it I would be clueless. Thanks! You are a true blessing."
- An Offending Husband

"It was concise, direct and blunt without judging. ...it will help our marriage and I'd recommend it to anyone who had an affair."  
- An Offending Husband

"I wish I read your book last year...now I understand what I've been doing wrong." 
- An Offending Husband

"It's honest, objective, and practical...we were having a real hard time when I found it [the web site] and I was grateful for the help." 
- An Offending Husband 

"My wife tells me she has found it to be very eye opening. She's seeing the issues more clearly from my point of view."  
- A Betrayed Husband

"My husband isn't a big reader and doesn't read self-help books at all but he was over 1/3 of the way through before he ever put it down the first time...I've already seen changes in his attitude."  
- A Betrayed Wife

"This book made a huge difference in my husband's attitude..."  
- A Betrayed Wife

"I thought the book was excellent because it addresses so MANY things that are currently missing in our reconciliation..." 
- A Betrayed Wife

"You can't imagine what a difference you've made in my life..."  
- A Betrayed Spouse

 

To download  "Infidelity Crisis: How to Gain Forgiveness 
and Respect After Your Affair" by Katie Coston 
in an instant pdf format click here.

For additional information on the ebook, please see the January 2004  'Q&A' chat with Katie at the end of this page.

Did you know?

According to CDC's National Center for Health Statistics, approximately:

3,000 couples in the U.S. get divorced each day - well over 1 million per year.

20-25% of these people are divorcing for the second or third time.

50% of all divorcing couples have children under the age of 18.  

12 million U.S. families were headed by a single parent during 2000. 
 
1 out of 3 U.S. children do not live with both parents.

17% of all children in the U.S. will suffer a divorce this year.

Second marriages will end 23% sooner than first marriages.

Third marriages will end 43% sooner than first marriages.

And it's scientifically supported that children of divorced parents suffer a higher than average divorce rate as adults - divorce is a legacy that's passed down from one generation to the next.

These public divorce statistics are alarming, but most people don't have access to follow-up statistics concerning a divorce after the affair of one partner:

80% of couples who divorce as the result of an affair later regret their decision to divorce.*

The statistics for affair-born relationships are even more extreme: 

Fewer than 10% of all extramarital affair relationships will actually result in a marriage between the two affair partners.*

If an affair-born relationship does result in a marriage, 3 out of 4 of those couples can expect their new marriage to also end in divorce.*  

What does this mean?

It means that for every 100 extramarital relationships - less than 10 of the unfaithful spouses will actually marry his or her affair partner.   If the affair partners do marry,  75% of those marriages will also end in divorce - which means that at best, less than 3 out of every 100 affair born relationships will result in a marriage that does not end in divorce! (And this doesn't take into account marital separation, only legal divorce, which brings the success rate down from the already generous but alarmingly low 2.5%!) 

*Staheli, Lana, Affair-Proof Your Marriage: Understanding, Preventing and Surviving An Affair. New York, NY: HarperCollins, 1995. & Vaughan, Peggy, The Monogamy Myth. New York, NY: Newmarket Press, 1989.

To download  "Infidelity Crisis: How to Gain Forgiveness 
and Respect After Your Affair" by Katie Coston
 in an instant pdf format click here.

Please note: Due to the overwhelming amount of email received, Katie no longer accepts emails through this site.  Please email only for technical help or issues.

January 2004 'Q & A'  chat interview excerpt with Katie... 

Q. Why would you write a book for the wayward spouse if you were the betrayed spouse?

A. To give the partner who had an affair the  tools to assist in their spouse's healing at a time when emotions are usually surging out of control.  Many times, the person who had an affair really wants to help, to repair, to fix what they've done - they just don't know how to do it.  It is the book that was much needed but didn't exist when I discovered an affair in my own marriage...so I wrote it to help other couples dealing with infidelity.  

Q. Why do you recommend that the betrayed spouse not read the book?

A. They certainly can read the book, there's nothing in the book that would cause them alarm.  I've even had a few betrayed spouses write to me to tell me how much better they understand their own emotions from having read it.  But the book will work best if the betrayed spouse doesn't read it.  It's an opportunity for the offender to hear about the pain and trauma of affair discovery from someone else - an outside party.  Then they have the ability to reflect on the information without feeling as if they're being put through a test - will he or she take the advice or won't they?  If the book turns into a "walk the line" trial, then it won't help anyone.  But if it is used as a practical resource by one party, the results can be profound.

Q. How do you know the results can be profound?

A. Because of the enormous amounts of email that I've receive from readers.  Most people write to tell me that within a week or two of working through the book, their home-life dramatically improved as did their outlook on the future of their marriage.  Instead of feeling overwhelmed and hopeless, many are excited about the future, hopeful in their marriages, and even falling in love with their spouse all over again.  It's not uncommon for a letter to start "When all hope was gone, I searched for help and found your book..."   It breaks my heart to know that I almost didn't write the book at all - it was a project that brought back a lot of painful memories and I put off writing it for quite a while. But now I get so much joy out of reading how the book has helped other couples, especially couples with children - that it was well worth the pain of writing.

Q. So you get lots of emails from your readers?

A. It varies a great deal, but I usually receive at least one each day.  Some days there's one, but the highest I counted in a single day was twelve - then I quit keeping track. The high response rate is probably because I encouraged reader response at the end of the book [1st edition].  As a result, I've had to make sure that all site emails come to me first, even if they are just for tech issues, because most of the emails are personal and I want to be sure that I'm the only one who reads material that was meant for my eyes only.  There really is a bond of friendship incorporated throughout the book.  I'll never forget the time, soon after we started distribution, that I got an email from someone who told me that he'd lost all of his friends because of his affair and that I was the only person left who cared enough (through the ebook) to help him try to undo the damage that he'd caused in all of his relationships - not just his marriage.  He thanked me for my friendship.  It was pretty humbling experience.

Q. How so?

A. Well, of course, I'd originally hoped that the book would help many couples - but it never crossed my mind that the book might be the sole source of support or encouragement for some people.  Since then I've had several people write to say that they read the book more than three or four times over, and that the book was all they had to hang on to for a while.  As a betrayed spouse who was devastated by affair discovery, it certainly opened my eyes to some intense pain on the other side of the fence.  I thought I had a lot of compassion before, but it doesn't compare to how I feel now for the spouse who is truly remorseful.

Q. Some betrayed spouses feel leery of having their husband or wife read a book that they haven't read, for fear that the book will encourage manipulation tactics or point the finger at them for causing the affair.  What would you say about that?

A. I would say that the book encourages honesty and integrity - not manipulation.  The basis of the book is to treat the other person with kindness, concern, and empathy as a long-term solution and not a quick-fix.  The book also encourages accountability and responsibility, so there's no finger pointing at the betrayed.  My having compassion for the offender doesn't lessen the compassion I feel for the betrayed - I was the betrayed!  The book was written to benefit both partners, but through the actions and understanding of one partner.

Q. Is the book meant to take the place of professional counseling?

A. Not at all.  It's a starting ground from which to build, and I encourage couples to pursue professional counseling in the book.

Q. You are not a counselor, though?

A. No, I'm just an average person who experienced infidelity in my own marriage and made all of the common mistakes - even after having read most of the available material on the subject.  You won't find the standard list of pop-theories on why an  affair happens, etc. in the book.  There's enough of those resources out there already, some of which the counselors themselves can't agree on.  Instead, the book is a practical, hands-on, concrete, and realistic approach to the beginning stages of repair - accepting the reality that an affair actually did happen, regardless of why - and picking up the pieces in the aftermath.  There are quite a few counselors who recommend the book to their clients, though. Maybe 1 out of 10 people say that they either read their counselor's copy or that their therapist specifically sent them to the site.

Q. Would you say that there has been a pattern to the types of couples that the book has helped most?

A. Definitely - it most often helps the person who is sincere in their desire to rebuild their marriage!  Betrayed spouses have also told me that it helps with what they call "the fog", too - when the offender is in denial over the trauma that the affair has caused to the marriage.  Other than this, we've had people write from many different parts of the country and all walks of life - from doctors to housewives to the unemployed, old and young.

Q. How many couples have used your book, do you know?

A. It is impossible to know, because we've both sold and given away a few time-limited bulk-rights to distribution.  Also, when the site first started distribution, we didn't charge and had no tracking system to count the copies distributed.  And to date, we still provide gifted copies to the people who write to say they have no credit card or can't afford the fee - and these aren't tallied into the distribution numbers.  But the distribution that we can reasonably account for goes into several thousand.

Q. Why did you start charging for the book?

A. Mainly for site support and copyright protection.  The cost is pretty nominal and not at all a reflection of the value of the book.  We could just as easily sell it for much more than what is charged - but we set the fee low on purpose to make it available to as many couples as possible.  The fee has been in place for about a year now, and to date, we've only had one single request for a refund by a disappointed reader -  a young lady who was discouraged because the book certainly isn't appropriate for a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship where the commitment level is low.  We've recently had to set a time-limit on our refund policy, though - to 3 months, which is an extensive guarantee period -  and this was incorporated only to diminish potential liabilities in case we decide to sell the site, which we've considered.

Q. Why have you considered that?

A. Because the site requires a lot of personal attention from me due to the emails. I'm busy with several other projects that are equally important to me right now and they're competing for attention.  I'm hesitant to back away because I truly love to hear from readers and I love that I have the freedom to gift copies to people who might not have the opportunity to read the book otherwise. The book is so personal, too - it's an intense snapshot of about six months of my life.  I'm reminded of that a lot recently because I've gotten emails that ask "How's the baby doing?"  There are lots of people out there whom I care about without ever having met them - that's what makes me hesitant to walk away.

Q. So, how is the baby doing?

A. He is growing strong and beautiful although he is not a baby anymore!

To download  "Infidelity Crisis: How to Gain Forgiveness 
and Respect After Your Affair" by Katie Coston
 in an instant pdf format click here.

Tell Someone How to Find Our Site

 Marriage-friendly Surviving Infidelity Resource

Please note: Due to the overwhelming amount of email received, Katie no longer accepts mail through the site.  Please email only for technical help or issues.  

Copyright  2004 aftertheaffair.net